Giants are everywhere. Employers, Human Resources Departments, Department of Labor and Employment, Social Security Administration – the list is long and distinguished, as my husband says. Some seemingly try to be mean and scary; others are only mean and scary in our heads. When facing off with a giant, there are several things to remember.
- Know your stuff – do your homework. Gather information about your giant and read as much as possible about their regulations and precedents. If you have a contact inside the giant organization, ask questions about how people successfully navigate the system or present their case. Don’t understand some of the jargon? Get someone who is familiar with it to explain it – legalese and governmental policies and regulations are written by bureaucrats who often speak a different language. If you need help understanding the statues, check with your state Protection and Advocacy for Individuals with Disabilities (P&A) organization for guidance. Talk to people who have been successful in this system – don’t be shy – ask for help.
- Be organized and prepared. It’s easy to find information, but sifting the good stuff from the extraneous can be more complicated. You don’t want to overload the people you are meeting with with useless, repetitive details. The people on the other side of the table already know this stuff, but you want them to know that you know it. For example, before officially asking for accommodations at work, I sent my manager a link to JAN (Job Accommodation Network) with examples of accommodations that help people with ADHD be more successful on the job. Be specific about your needs, what you are asking for and how it will help both of you, ie. improve your work performance by being less distracted.
- Practice stress management before your big meeting. Yoga, breathwork, stretching, muscle relaxation or any other technique that helps you manage stress and ADHD. If you take medication – don’t skip it on this day! It may help your focus and organization during the meeting.
- Remember to be nice – you are looking for a way everyone can win. Try not to think of the giant as the enemy. You need something from them to improve your life. Yes, you may be entitled to protection under the (Americans with Disabilities Act) ADA, but behaving as if you are entitled does not foster good relations. You are more likely to get your needs met if you are respectful. There is no need to grovel or beg – in fact – try to be as unemotional as possible. Make it easy for them to say ‘yes’ without a battle.
- It is helpful for the giant to know that you are taking responsibility for what you can on your own. Let them know what you are doing to cope with specific needs. For example, when I needed help on the job, I let my manager know that I was taking medication, using exercise and other non-medical coping strategies (reminders, sticky notes, bookmarks on the computer, etc.). Instead of making it ‘their problem’ to accommodate me, I wanted it to be a joint effort. If you plan to continue working with the same people, this is critical to reduce any possible resentment you might encounter by co-workers and management. Avoid backlash whenever you can!
- Try prefacing, or a ‘softened start up’ when you communicate. That means saying something like “I know you are busy (or) have a lot of other things going on today. I appreciate your time and hope we can find a solution that works for everyone”. People like to know that you recognize their time is valuable. Be on time, follow notes to stay focused and do your best not to ramble or go on tangents. Use “I” statements – “I need this to be successful” (or) “In the past, that has helped me manage distractibility successfully”. Try to avoid the words you, you people, your people, etc. This creates a defensive reaction, which is the last thing you want now. Blaming, accusing, demanding, criticizing, etc. are ineffective, especially when facing a giant. Make them want you on their staff or in their school.
- Listen carefully (with as few interruptions as possible), make notes and try to contain any unrelated comments. When the person who is speaking completes his/her comments, wait a few seconds, then say something like ‘I have some questions’ (or) ‘I need clarification about something you said – is it okay to ask questions now?’ Courtesy goes a long way, as does order. Many people are accustomed to formal business meetings with an agenda that dictates what will be discussed, when and for how long. It may seem rigid or be difficult to follow that format, but it helps to honor the process, if possible.
- Present your case in a logical manner – try to be as unemotional as possible. Follow notes, preferably an outline that flows from topic to topic in a logical sequence. Try not to jump around. Give everyone at the table a copy of your outline, if appropriate. When possible, use a common language. If you are requesting accommodations for school or work, use the term ‘accommodation’. It is associated with legal statues that are for your protection (no need to remind them of that – they know). Unless you have been denied or received no response after making a ‘reasonable request’ for accommodations, there is no need for name-dropping to let people know that you have consulted with P&A or a local attorney – this tends to make the giant irritable. If you are unable to represent yourself, you may need to ask an advocate to attend the meeting to speak for you, or go with you, to ensure that you’re concerns are heard and that you understand what is being discussed. Always proceed in the spirit of cooperation, rather than competition.
- Look for common ground and points of agreement. This is a common technique in resolving conflict and solving problems. If nothing else, you may be able to agree that it is in the best interest of all parties to find ways to improve your work performance and/or satisfaction. Identifying points of agreement gives both sides a place to begin when negotiating.
- Thank them for their time and consideration – genuinely. Ask when you can expect to be notified of their decision, if necessary. Ensure they have your preferred contact information, and be patient while you await their response.